This is a long read but worth it I promise.
My name is Angela, I would like for you to please just read this a short phone conversation that started my quest and journey for self-love and acceptance. This led to my decision to stand up and become a body image advocate to support body acceptance no matter the size. This is the reason why I’m here today. Self awareness!
( direct quote) “ He NEVER loved you, he said you were the FATTEST woman he had ever been with, he was embarrassed of you and he never said you were pretty or smart, he tells me I’m those things all the time, he loves my body and we have sex a few times a day every day. I have seen your pictures on social media and you are FAT, you look like a cow that is melting, and I told him that and he LAUGHED, I told him ‘you were with THAT!’ it must have been like being in PURGATORY for all those years, I felt sorry for him”
What did you read? A Toxic message, am I right? They continued to come a few more times after this and got worse. ( I did get to stand up for my self when I was able to get a word in during the conversation in a respectful and mature manner) Yes, it was not very pleasant for me as well, in fact it was devastating, shocking and life changing! Little did I know that this was the beginning of a new me. This is when I found the Glory within myself.
No one should ever feel victimized and shamed, and we NEED to stand up to people who do this to us and stop the abuse! As you can see this woman had no empathy, no compassion and enjoyed to belittle me, with no defense from my husband. The hurts came more from this woman then what my husband did or didn’t do. My ego and pride were also hurt, because I thought I was so secure in my marriage and that we truly had been inlove with eachother. (In his defense he said he didn’t tell her those things and I do NOT know him to speak unkindly about anyone in this manner, he is a good man as I know him to be. She took what he said out of context, but still he didn’t defend me to her. What I understand is he just walked away because he didn’t want to be part of the bashing)
I did not deserve this.
The problem with me was that I was easily broken at the time, I was feeling lost and abandoned by my husband who left me without warning, for another woman. YES, the same woman who you had just read about. My self-esteem was hanging on by a thread. I knew I had been struggling with changes in my body and had weight issues, the more my husband pushed me to go to the gym the more I sank deeper into myself sabotage, I was defeated and I believed I could not reach my goals.
I lived in a bubble where I was in denial, I had to look deep into myself and make changes, and I was afraid to do this.
My husband did not clearly communicate to me his thoughts or loss of interest in me, he just made insinuations that he was being helpful to direct me into a healthy life style. I saw it as an attack, “Why am I not good enough for you?” “What’s wrong with me”
He confused me a lot, he showed me much love and respect, and yet at the same time made remarks towards my lack of interest in working out, he said this to help me “better myself”. In many ways he was right.
I felt guilty because as I wanted to change and please him, I just fell deeper into the hopelessness that revolved around my fat existence.
Either way I didn’t see him leaving me for this reason, because I kept telling myself and him, that I’m going to lose the weight. I would try, then stop and fail, then I would try again just to fail yet again.
I also didn’t know how shallow he appeared to be and how he had eyes only for a thin, trophy type of woman. I was in all means never this thin trophy woman the day we meet. (That is a whole other story to tell.) He admits he has work to do on himself to better his view points and regrets the way he handled our issues in our marriage.
I was a wreck to find out he had moved on, via text, with a picture to prove it. Yup that’s how I got dumped. I got my goodbye through a text.
“Life is short even on your longest days” isn’t that right?
I was done being insecure and vulnerable, and I used the pain I was feeling to NOT be defeated again, I was not going to let a second divorce destroy me.
I realized the pain that was done to me, And I used it to heal and to transform myself.
I was still sensitive to the fact that I was on a journey alone once again. But guess what? the minute I decided not to be a victim anymore and become a victor in my life, the light of hope turned on. YES I can, YES I can do this!!
So, I got down to my bare-naked ass, and took a long hard look at myself and I saw it! I saw what my husband saw and others who were to kind to say. I was fat and out of shape. I had to love myself as I was, and because I wanted to love myself I needed my body to show it along with my mind and soul.
I did a good job hiding it under my clothes, but still looked uncomfortable in my own skin. I embarrassed my husband and it made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be in people’s lives because of the way I looked. He couldn’t tell me so he walked away, moved on to someone who feed his ego. He did all kinds of fun things with her, traveled and introduced her to his friends. ( only a selected few I met). I never got the pleasure to meet them or go travel with him for that matter. He was ashamed of my body and so was I. How can you let someone love you if you don’t love yourself?
Let me back track, to the first time I became aware and felt the shame over my body and self-image.
I was 12 years old and I was developing faster than most the girls my age, I was thin and awkward. I was shy and struggling already to make friends because of my learning disability, I was already isolated by my peers because I was in the special education class. One day I was invited to a birthday party and I was invited because this girl’s parents happen to be friends with my parents. She was cute, tiny, full of energy well-liked by all the kids at school. I could tell she didn’t want me to go. I was dropped off and for a while it was fun, we ran around and played games, then we all went to her bedroom and she had a bunk bed and she climbed up onto the top bunk and told all of us girls to get up there too, as I started my climbed up the latter she stopped me and said”, not you, there is a weight limit on the top bunk, you can go on the bottom one”. I was instantly aware of my body and that it made me feel ashamed. I wanted to cry, run and hide. It was time for dinner and I didn’t want to eat, it was time to swim and I wanted to leave my t-shirt on over my swim suit, lucky for me I had an accident and got to go home. I jumped off the diving board and missed the swimming pool, yes you heard me right, I jumped into the water and I face planed on the edge of the pool and cut my chin open and there was Blood everywhere. Needless to say, I didn’t stay for the sleep over and that was okay with me.
By the time I was 14 I started to notice the older boys would look at me strange and smile, I started to feel better about my body. I finally had accepted my body. I started to have boyfriends and that was a lot of fun.
By 16 I had body awareness, I knew what I was doing running around in my bikini.
I had my first love, a relationship that lasted three years most of high school. He was a very jealous boy, he was older than I was, he was graduating when I started high school. I was a flirt as well, didn’t make it easy for the kid, this is when I experienced body regret, I used my body for attention from others and my boyfriend knew it, he became violent, and I became withdrawn. At the same time, I was dealing with my mother’s fatal sickness, and I started to cause body damage to numb the pain. I abused drugs and alcohol. (there is no excuses to be treated in any violent or verbal abusive manner but I didn’t understand this and still I’m a work in progress).
I met my future husband by the time I was 18, who saved me from the abusive relationship I was in. I was in love all over again. This time it was for real, I had met my soul mate, so I thought. We had our first child at 21 and I was aware I needed to maintain my body image while pregnant. By my second child and third child, well the body regret set in, I had two very big babies 10 and 11 pounds at birth and my body adjusted to the expansion of my waist.
My marriage was rocky but we lasted 17 years together, and even though my husband at that time never said anything about my weight, nor put me down for the extra cushion, we were to busy raising three small children. I forgot to look in the mirror and as the kids got older and I got comfortable, I didn’t notice what I looked like nor did I care. I had my moments where I would diet and lose some weight and go up and down over and over again. But I was not my own priority at the time, I had bigger issues to deal with in my marriage and life. Deep shit, that I had to focus on and I forgot about myself.
By the time I was 38 or so I was alone again with three children. “Who would want me”? I had no choice but to start getting out there again as a single mom. Some friends and I would go dancing on the weekends and I started to notice my body again, and started hiking, lost weight and started dating.
Eventually I met my second husband. I was not thin at all nor was I excessively heavy. He sure didn’t seem to mind the extra pounds when we met, and we fell in love and married two years later, fast-forward four years later and here I am!!
After the pain I went through,
I woke up!
I turned my weakness into greatness. I got back to the gym with support from my sister and friends.
Support is so important during times like this, I can not say that enough. When you are suffering, you are not alone, find someone to talk too, find a way out of the darkness.
What I realized was I was a good wife, I was loyal to him but not to myself. I did not take care of my self properly nor with love, and I was constantly worrying about everyone else, but not about myself, I let my self down one to many times and this time It was different, the vail had been lifted and I could see clearly what I had to do for myself. Good things do come out of bad things that happen, but, if you let them they will hold you back from your true potential.
I found a program that would take five weeks to detox my body from all the harmful foods and drinks I have been subjecting it too, and this included fasting for five days, I was so committed to do this because the best revenge is to take your power back, and I did, I regained my dignity back. I lost 35 pounds in about three months and still counting. I worked hard on my self-control and said no to my cravings that were not good for me and took pride in what I put into my body, because I was seeing results and that pushed me further and I felt great. Not to mention the “in your face” feeling I secretly harbored inside. Hey, no one is perfect. This is a healthy revenge.
My husband was right in some ways to want to help me see what he was looking at but I took it so negatively I was blinded by my insecurities and fear of change. Maybe if I would have tried harder while we were together we would still be together, but things happen for a reason and I’m here today spilling my story out for all to read and it’s hard to do, but so is change and I’m proud of my self now.
The next major obstacle I had, was to figured out “who am I?” (can you see me siting in my chair with pen in my mouth looking out into space and saying “who am I, who am I”, remember the scene from the breakfast club? One of my favorites of all time.) ok, now that I’ve aged myself, let’s move on.
I had to figure out how I felt about myself, then and now, if I wanted this weight loss to stick this time. This took courage and fear and the ability to humble myself to be able to describe my pain and my faults and hang-ups to my self and to others close to me, my support system who listened to me along my journey without judgment. I was Codependent, and all thru my life I was treated bad for being too sensitive, to kind, and vulnerable.
We are human and we make mistakes and sometimes the same ones over and over again. I met with my husband for closure, we both felt it was time to face the breakup as adults, and discus the divorce proceedings. He was very pleased and proud of me to see my change in appearance, my strength and my accomplishments, I was not falling apart without him, I was moving on.
We both felt the instant connection and the desire between us was too much, we talked all night and decided to try to workout our marriage.
Well I’m not good at setting boundaries with my husband, and when he returned to his home, and back to his girlfriend, he tried to break it off with her and took me on a weekend trip to SD. Long story short she was not going without a fight and engaged me back into her vicious words over the phone. That night I asked him to show me all his texts between them and it broke me again, that night I lost my softness and the respect I had for him and myself, I shamefully hit him, and he took it without saying a word, I was like a crazed animal, full of rage and pain and hurt. I cried my self to sleep as he held me.
I know what your thinking, why would I let this happen again?
Love! I was still in love with him.
The next day he held my hand on the way home and asked me to please give him another chance as we both cried , I said I would as long as he never spoke to her ever again, he said he understood.
He had to rush off to catch a plane and the next thing I knew after not hearing from him, was the final discard, another text message telling me to stop calling him or texting him, and to proceed with the divorce. She had gone with him on the trip. (during our time together, I learned that she was the one instigating and manipulating the texts) why he let her is still a mystery to me. I never took him for one to be influenced to do anything, he was wipped or she had some strong witchy powers over him.
This hurt me deeply, and my insecurities crept back in but this time not as bad as the first time. I had to reassess my failures and my achievements up to this point and forgive myself and realize that what I was doing was struggling to achieve true confidence.
My confidence had been picked apart not only was I being body shamed I was shamming myself. I had to let go of the guilt and the regret, accept the loss and get over the sadness and the hope that we would end up together, the hope that I held on to was because I knew he was truly unhappy, and confused and he did love me at one point in time.
We went back and forth about one more time, because he truly was miserable in his choices, and I believed in my heart we belonged together.
I struggle with the dark side of my mind, and the madness of the thought that I would still take him back. The fear is real, when you think of being alone and unwanted by a good man in the future and that’s a scary thought. Being alone.
I am a spiritual person, and God has been with me all thru out my life, every time I cried, he never left my side. I reached out and called upon him to help me guide me and whatever his will may or may not be, I would honor it and have faith in his plan for my life. God started to send me signs and the right people came into my life to minister to me and pray with me. We prayed for my life and my husbands and my marriage.
My husband and I could not stay away from one another for long periods of time, we talked, texted and sent emails, all supportive and explanations of all our wrong doings, we took full responsibility where it was due and accepted the truth, and we decided to be friends and continue with the divorce. We learned were we had made mistakes and were our love got us thru in the past during hard times.
God was working on us, I could see it.
So was the evil part of it, the enemy will always attack what is most valuable to you. He will use others to do his dirty work for him, and she (gf) was not going to let this end nicely. Little did she know I am a fighter! and after a break, I rise up like the phoenix from the ashes of despair and soar!!
All this has happened to wake up the dead woman inside of me by lighting a fire under my ass. I made the choice to start loving myself again and put my self first and then the weight started to melt off. I have much more work on my self to do, but I’m headed in the right direction and know what I want, and have my confidence back.
It’s so simple to fall into a rut and one day turns into weeks and then years before you remember to look in that mirror at your true self.
“your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth”’ zig ziglar .
My marriage is still in the process of divorce and I don’t know what will happen it’s in God’s hands, and (yes I still love my husband), but what I do know is I look forward to my independence, possible new romance, or even finding love again, I have found peace within myself, I enjoy working out, eating healthy, I’m grateful for the voice I have found on my beautiful journey, I don’t listen now to my own negativity, my new personal development has led me to find the STRENGTH within me. Amen to that.
And I want to help you!, by telling my story.
Together we can soar like the Phoenix, and put shame, and negative body image wear it belongs in the trash where it will fall on deaf ears, never to hurt anyone again. We are in control of the power in which others try to break, with their serpent tongues, we will not listen to that cruelty and we will be strong and believe the truth within our self’s.
I am beautiful! You are beautiful! We are all beautiful!
“switch your mentality from “I’m broken and helpless” to “I’m growing and healing” and watch how fast your life changes for the better.”
Ask your self are you driven by your problems or your purpose? I live for my purpose now.
Breakthroughs happen when you’re willing to be exposed by the truth.
This is my truth,
when I dropped to my knees in devastation from the hurts of my life, I vowed to never again fall to my knees for anyone or anything EXCEPT for my HOLY FATHER to honor him and thank him for my blessings! Yes!!
Now go listen to
“ Beautifully broken” By Plumb